Sober…sobriety is described as a.) sparing in the use of food and drink, b.) not to be addicted (Merriam-Webster). THIS is what I want…to be sober. And I am not. Many people don’t feel food is addictive and/or that having a sugar/food addiction can be harmful to your quality of life but trust me! I live it every day.
You know, as I look back over my life, I really can’t give a continuous block of time where I was a truly happy person. From childhood I have been fixated on my size, my outward appearance, which has been the source of my melancholy nature often times played out as aggression, anger, defensiveness and just being a plain ole mean, hurt spirit. I would wonder in those years if my addiction to food was related to my poor body image . The desire to heal myself and be free from this war with food and my body had me thinking back on the whys. How in the hell did I get here? How can I fix this painful existence?
Today(I wrote this yesterday) I am tired and rock bottom. I am so ready to put this shit down. The sadness linked to my addiction, the feelings of failure DAILY and just waking up every morning with a sense of doom are burdens that I am ready to put down. I am tired but I will never give up and that is what brings me here today.
I haven’t been in completely honest with myself which means I couldn’t be honest with anyone else. Over the last 7 years I have managed tobe successful at keeping off 145 lbs. of weight lossed. Well, it hasn’t been easy and I have yet to completely deal with my food addiction in its entirety. That part. I have been honest with my struggles but what I haven’t been honest about is just how bad it’s been and still having those same behaviors that got me to 325 lbs. Yeah, they are still there. I just control them in a different way. I still binge, I still lie about what I have eaten, I still go out and buy food sometimes up to 10 times a day to fulfill my cravings, I still hide and eat alone, I still spend obscene amounts of money on my food habit. I am still very much in the deep throws of my addiction. BUT I am really tired now. Fucking exhausted! I sat and cried yesterday because I thought “why live when you’re this unhappy?” For what? Rock.Bottom. I’ve thrown myself into multiple projects trying to get a real sense of accomplishment out of my life while attempting to take my mind off the one real issue, never completely addressing it. Not realizing if I step back and figure out this one huge issue maybe everything else will fall in place. Writing in full honesty and sharing my addictive behavior with the world is quite humbling. I truly feel I am “rock bottom”. I am sad but not defeated. I am a fighter and I will conquer my proverbial demons. Being completely honest is the first step, right?
At this time I am putting everything aside to concentrate on my journey to sobriety. The next 90 days seems fitting in the scheme of things. 90 days of raw, honest, painful emotions to sift through and one hellacious detox. But I am here for it. I close my eyes and see all the wonderful things life has to offer me and I smile. My beautiful friends, wonderful family, future loving spouse(someday), great passion and purpose for my life, all give me reasons to keep pushing. Don’t feel sad for me I am not defeated. I am a fighter, a champion and I also am worthy of this victory!
For the next few weeks as I detox I won’t be on social media but I will continue to blog. Detoxing from sugar and processed foods is a real son of a bitch so I will be focused on making it through, one day at a time and then getting up, stronger, so I can help others. To follow my journey please continue to read my blog at myhappycrookedkrown.com/blog/ .