I have been on a doctor prescribed diet for the last two weeks that consists of removing any foods that will cause my gut’s inflammation to worsen or prevent healing to take place. The removal of all sugar, gluten, any bread like products, soy, all dairy, and the “food like” items that have consumed the American diet over the last 50 or so years, including fast food and anything in a box that has preservatives and fillers. So, pretty much I am eating fresh, organic veggies and lean grass-fed, organic cuts of meat. That’s pretty much it! The diet is really strict for the first two weeks and then they begin to add things back in to see what may be causing allergies and/or other issues that may be going on in the body, both inside and out. Now being that this is to improve my health I was on board to do what I could to help improve my overall health and wellness. The problem? I am a food addict and so the anxiety set in immediately. Let me explain.
I can honestly say I can’t remember a time where I have been able to resist my temptations for longer than 3 days and then I end up eating something that I shouldn’t, often times these severe restrictions cause my binges to be even worse. The more I restrict myself , the worse the binges are when I let myself have something that I really want so this caused extreme anxiety when my doctor told me you can’t have any bull crap so that your gut health can improve. I truly wanted to get it right but food addiction is much like a crack addict that is driven by the need to get high. Food is my high and my comfort and when I don’t have what I want I crave it just like a fiend. So, I KNEW I was going to try my best and that I wanted to succeed but in the back of my mind I retraced my history of failing…each and every time. I made it 10 days and THAT made me proud but I had a full on binge session and felt ashamed of undoing all my hard work. I had asked my doctor for a referral to see a food addiction specialist when I first saw her and amazingly this lady calls me on day 10! I wish I would have seen her prior to but I really don’t know if even that would have helped. This is why I felt such anxiety when I first learned I needed to do this for my health because I knew at some point I wouldn’t be able to resist temptation and that the cravings would be so strong that I would be miserable each and every day.
It’s a fight…a battle within yourself. Your brain wanting the best for you while physiological and emotional needs have a completely different agenda. This constant battle is so tiring and sometimes I just want to give in and say fuck it! Nothing should be THIS hard! But, I don’t. I get up and keep trying from moment to moment making decisions to do what is best for my health, both emotional and physical. I often find myself daydreaming about the day that I can release the guilt that I have behind this addiction and learn to celebrate all the moments that I’ve had that have allowed me to get as far as I have in respect to my health and other areas of my life. I have a TON to celebrate but I allow my inability to defeat this battle overshadow all other things great. My current work is on changing my habits to change my behavior which will eventually change my outlook. Change your mindset, change your life, is what I believe to be true.
One day at a time. One day at a time.